All About Yours Truly...

Hm. Where to start. Let's start with the latest, then maybe we'll backtrack a bit later.

Tuesday night I ate dinner and noticed it didn't quite sit right. I have been having a hard time eating food though ever since the cesarean. I've been preferring to drink water or juice and eat Cream of Wheat and toast. I would be fine not eating anything, but the nurses (and Ryan and my Mom) don't like that. So most of the time I was being force fed. This happened a little after I had Avella so I didn't think much of it.

I went to bed early Tuesday night thinking I would wake up feeling better. Nope. I woke up at 10 pm and knew something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and realized I needed to throw up. I did and thought I would feel better because it was just what I ate. I then called my mom upstairs to come help me (you would've too if your mom was at your house). I really wasn't feeling well at this point. Stomach cramps and uterine cramps make a deadly combination. I tried taking a pain pill, but I threw it right back up. For the next five or six hours I was running to the bathroom puking and crawling back into bed. My Mom was there every. single. time. She crashed on the couch up in my room so she could be right there to help me. She emptied every puke bucket, gave me sips of water, rubbed my feet, got me Gatorade, and would sit by me until I could relax enough to fall back asleep. I would even start to moan or call her name and she would be there. Can you tell my Mom loves me? I sure can. I hope that I can grow up to be a little bit like her.

At about three or four in the morning I told my Mom to call 911 and that I wanted to go to the hospital. I realized it wasn't going to stop. I knew I had hit my limit and I needed to get hydrated and get some pain medication! The stomach cramping would not go away. I have never had stomach pains like this before and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. She called Wendy from across the street and asked her to sit with the kids. Wendy helped keep me calm while waiting for the ambulance. I don't know about you, but when I reach that point of pain where I am done then I am completely done! They could not get here fast enough.

I hate Eagle Mountain streets. Again, I hate Eagle Mountain streets! They are so bumpy. Ugh. The paramedic was trying to get my IV going and I asked him if it was a good time to try and do it because the roads were so rough. He told me there was never really a great time to do one in a moving vehicle. So reassuring. ;) He was actually great. He tried distracting me and he was calm. The whole team was great. What a hard job to have.

I was told I could go to AF Hospital or Riverton. I cried when they told me I couldn't go to IMC where my baby was. Hours after I had been at AF they told me they were going to transport me to IMC because my doctor was there. I told them I wasn't going to leave AF. At that point I knew this was the hospital I was supposed to be at. Funny how things work out. I asked them if my OB in Pleasant Grove could be over my case here since he was up to date on everything to that point in my pregnancy. He agreed to treat me here.

I think it is a good thing I didn't end up at IMC because I would feel guilty being at the same hospital as Hazel and not being able to go see her. I had been in severe pain (and puking/dry heaving) until last night when we finally figured out what pain medications I was responding well to and the dosing on them.

Off track, I know. I'm all medicated up. It's hard to focus. So all of this happened in the wee hours of Wednesday morning and it's now Thursday night. Here's the rundown. They did a CAT Scan in the emergency room which showed some of my intestines swollen and irritated and other parts completely flat. Ouch. I have not been able to pass gas or have a bowel movement since checking into the hospital. If I still haven't been able to very soon then I get to meet with the surgeon. I really, really, really don't want to have to have any kind of operation. This could end up being a blockage, kink, or Ileus (that is where your bowels shut down). Oh, I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything. I can sponge my mouth out with water. Yep.

All of the things I'm grateful for:

• My Mom being by my side through all of this. Ryan has been out of town the entire time, so I've relied on her taking care of me. Plus it's so nice to have someone that loves you so much by your side.
• My Father & Mother-In-Law and Sisters-In-Law. They have helped take care of kids and tidied the house just to name a few things. We are seriously so loved. I know they would be (and are) there in a heartbeat whenever we need them.
• My Dad coming up here early to see me. And the fact that he makes me laugh. :)
• All of my family. We have so much love and support and we are so blessed!
• A Bishop and Elders Quorum President who took time out of their busy days to come and give me a blessing because they knew Ryan was out of town. I don't remember most of what was said, but I felt strength and peace and am grateful for that.
• A ward family who is truly a family to us. They have stepped in even before we realized we needed help at times and they are quick to give more than what is asked.
• Hospitals with caring doctors and nurses. It makes all the difference when you know they care.

That pink sponge is what I use to swab out my mouth. I wish I could chug that cup of ice water.

The lovely tube going down my nose sucks all of that green gunk out of my stomach and sends it to that container. I didn't think I had anything left when I got to the hospital...

 


Hazel's cute nurse made this for me. I opened up the envelope to find her hands waiting to give me a hug. Isn't that so sweet?

 

Her nurse also made me this get well scrapbook page since I couldn't be there to see her.

They are all worried about me over there too.

Those hand prints are precious.

31 Weeks 2 Days - 6 Days Old

Almost one week old! I think she looks different already when I look back at pictures from her birth day. I know it's been a long time since I've updated, I had either no time or no energy. I will try to remember everything that has changed. Here goes:

• Her last weight was 3 lbs 8 oz. 
• She is still on the Jet Ventilator which, it turns out, is the strongest (I don't know if that's the right word to use) one they have.
• They did her head ultrasound last week... and NO brain bleed! They did another one today, but they don't have the results back yet.
• She still has to be on quite a bit of pain meds. She's on Morphine and Ativan.
• She is handling her cares better. She used to have a very hard time when they did her cares - moving her, cleaning her mouth, changing her diaper, etc. She is handling them better now.
• After going on antibiotics they have rechecked her for GBS, and it came back negative. Great news!
• They will do a spinal tap to check for meningitis as soon as she is stable enough to handle it.
• She had another Echo on her heart. There is still a hole, but her heart is shunting correctly. 
• They started giving her colostrum and she is digesting it very well. She still hasn't had a bowel movement, but she still has great bowel sounds (yep, there is such a thing). Even though she hasn't pooped yet it's ok because when they draw all of the fluid up from her stomach (through the tube they draw everything out of her stomach to see if it's getting digested or not) she has never had anything left. She has digested it all! They keep upping the amounts of colostrum she gets and she continues to digest it. Good girl. She started at 2 ml each feeding and is up to 11 ml.
• The physical therapist came last week to look at her arms and legs. She was cramped in a weird position for so long that her hands and feet want to stay bent in unnatural positions, which isn't good for muscle development. She prefers to keep her right foot bent all the way up so it is touching her shin. It's kind of a strange sight. They have starting positioning her a little differently to help with that. The physical therapist today decided that we are going to wait until she is responding better to touch to start doing more. We will most likely have to keep working on these things when she comes home and who knows how far beyond that.
• She had an x-ray of her lung at 4:30 this morning. There was no air outside of the lung. They did another x-ray at 3pm and that one looked good also. They clamped off the chest tube and will recheck later to make sure there is no air outside of her lung. If there isn't any air they will remove the chest tube. Wow. 

Isn't it wonderful to see all of these miracles happening at the same time? Thank you for your prayers for Hazel and me. I haven't been doing well, but I have been comforted while going through all of this. Now if only we could pray that my pain meds would be twice as strong. ;)

Love,
Ella

I love her tiny hands!

 

This is her chest tube. You can tell her skin is red and very irritated.

They changed the bandaging and she was on antibiotics. Apparently one of them 

worked because it's fine now.

So much of the swelling has gone down that she ended up with all of this extra skin on her head.

It still makes me laugh to look at it.

I had asked Hazel's NICU nurse if I could have a diaper to take home to her siblings. 

The nurse wrapped up this cute little package of things they use to take care of Hazel.

When I gave it to the kids I showed them what her head measured when she was born.

They couldn't believe how tiny she was.

The bows in the hair have officially started.

Tough Times - 30 Weeks 5 Days - 2 Days Old

I've been kind of dreading this post because I don't even know where to start. As you'll see I have had a lot on my mind. Hazel is not doing well and we are spending most of our time and energy on her. Here is what she has going on:

• She has GBS. She has Sepsis because of this. They will be doing a Spinal Tap to see if it is only in her blood or if it has turned into Meningitis.
• She has some swelling in her head. They are doing an ultrasound on her head today to see if it's a brain bleed (and what level of brain bleed) or if it's fluid.
• She has a hole in her right lung. This has caused air to leak out and put pressure on her left lung and heart. They did a chest tube on her right side which has allowed both of her lungs to function. She is currently on the Jet Ventilator which keeps her lungs open and prevents them from collapsing. They are switching her over to another ventilator today. When I remember which one I will update.
• She has a hole in her heart. That is normal for newborns and typically closes in a few days, so they will checking again in about a week to make sure it has closed.
• She is on pain meds constantly because of the pain she's in. I'm glad they are able to make her comfortable, but it makes my heart hurt to think of everything she has already gone through. I still haven't seen her open her eyes because she's been sedated. I'm looking forward to seeing her pretty eyes open.
• She tends to flop over to her left because of her being packed so tight in the womb. They are slowly rotating her which will help her be more balanced.

We know that the NICU life is very up and down from minute to minute, day to day, and week to week. It doesn't make it any easier knowing this, but we are able to better prepare ourselves for bumps along the way. It does give us hope that Hazel will recover quickly and the doctors will tell us that she is the exception and is in the 3% that don't fit into the mold. We already know she is strong and we hope they realize it soon too. :)

I will try to keep this blog as up to date as possible. I love the support and encouragement I get through texts, emails, messages, and phone calls, but please realize that it is hard to respond quickly. Forgive me if I don't reply quickly or if I forget to reply all together. I'm not ignoring any of you. We are just in a busy season of our life right now. I'm still trying to recover physically and I have all of the emotions that come along with being Hazel's Mom.

Thank you for all of your prayers, love, and support. We feel strength because of all of you.

I know she looks kind of scrunched and smooshy and she's not totally cleaned off yet, but I still think she's so beautiful. If you met her you would feel her strength and feel how important she is to her Heavenly Father. When you're by her you also feel overwhelming peace and love. I wish you could all come see her and feel all of these things. She's a miracle.

Love,

Ella

30 Weeks 3 Days - Welcome, Hazel!

Welcome, baby Hazel! We are so excited to have you join our family. We're already smitten.

Hazel was born at 9 am today, March 4th. She weighed 3 lbs 3 oz, was 15.9" long, and had a head circumference of 28 cm. I think having gestational diabetes helped her gain some extra weight. The doctors and nurses were impressed with her weight. Go, Hazel! She is a strong girl.

When she was born her head and leg were slightly misshapen. Her leg looks fine now, and her head is looking better. It should be good in a couple of days. She does have a hole in one of her lungs that is not allowing the lung by her heart to function properly. They were going to do a chest tube (that releases the air outside of the lungs, which takes the pressure off of the lung and allows her lung to open), but decided to wait and instead they will use a needle to release that air. Her oxygen is at 34%. Do you realize how great that is?! We are so grateful for this good news. Prayers are a powerful thing.

I got to see her already. I did not expect that. I didn't see Avella for a day and a half after I had her because I couldn't get into a wheelchair. To see Hazel they wheeled my entire bed into her room in the NICU. Another blessing I'm grateful for. She has the cutest nose. And her tiny hands are so precious. When I saw her she started moving her arms and hands as I started talking to her. I like to think she knew I was there. I'm so in love with this girl already.                                                          

 

 Look at those cute wrinkles on her neck.

   

You can see here that her head shape is a little different. Remember in previous posts how I said she was wedged in a spot that was uncomfortable for me? I was also worried she  was in pain. I hope she wasn't. And look at that hair. We all know it won't last long and that she will be a baldie for years like my other babies. I think I've finally come to terms with it. ;)

This is the view I had of her when I was wheeled in on my bed. I loved seeing her move her arms 

and adorable little fingers. I can't wait to be able to touch her!

She does seem comfortable, thank goodness. She is on some pain meds because when they would move her head she would cry out in pain. :( I'm glad she's resting.

Love,

Ella

29 Weeks 2 Days, 5 Weeks 3 Days in the Hospital, 4 Weeks 4 Days to Go

I'm almost 30 weeks! My goal for so long has been to make it to the 30s, and I'm almost there! I think I need to have a party to celebrate.

Let's catch up. Shall we?

After the events of February third and fourth I was exhausted but recovering well. Later on that week I had a dream (again) of being with my family. In this dream we were camping and I spotted an owl. I excitedly called for Avella (they are one of her faves) and we watched it fly right over our heads. I can still see it, it seemed so real. I've had other dreams where I'm at home doing normal things. These mornings are the hardest to get out of bed. Waking up after I had that camping dream I felt sad and depressed. I was physically worn out and mentally and emotionally I wasn't sure I could do it anymore. I decided to acknowledge what I was feeling that day and let myself cry like a baby, but I decided I would need to work through it and be focused on the task at hand the next day. (Ryan will laugh at this. It is one of our family sayings - "Focus on the task at hand".)

I can't tell you how many times the nurse walked in on me crying. I think she was worried even when I assured her I was ok. So there I am crying and my friend Jen texts me to ask how I'm doing. Of course I answered honestly, and she texted that she was on her way over. It was such a great visit. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father answered my prayers that day and sent me Jen. She was the right person for that moment to help comfort me.

Fast forward to February 18th. About 10 am I started to bleed a little and I passed a few small clots. Of course they sent me straight down to Labor and Delivery. The problem was that I had just done my three hour glucose test that morning, so I hadn't eaten since the night before. If they think they're going to have to do a cesarean soon they won't let you eat. Thank goodness I figured that would happen so I scarfed down some Raisin Bran before they came to tell me. But before I was taken downstairs my nurse told me to hurry and eat my Cream of Wheat. She even closed the curtain around my door so that if the doctors came back in I would have time to hide the evidence. That little bit of food saved me! I wasn't able to eat again until around 3 pm.

After all of that when I finally made it back upstairs they told me I had gestational diabetes. Whenever I ask what else can happen with this pregnancy Ryan tells me to knock it off. I guess I should've listened to him. After about a day and a half the doctors told me they were surprised I was able to control my blood sugar levels with my diet because of how high my levels had been on the test. Ha! I love surprising the doctors. My diabetes is one of the few things I can control in my situation and I'm going to do the best I can.

Well, that brings us to today. I've been in a lot of pain the last few days. Hazel is growing bigger and oh my I can feel it! If you've been pregnant then you know how painful it can be when they try and stick their foot in your ribs. Take away all of the amniotic fluid and it's sooooo painful! Top that with her head being wedged in an uncomfortable spot, which exacerbates the symptoms of bed rest (mainly constipation) . I don't know how much longer my body will hold out. I've barely been able to walk to the bathroom. I've been feeling a little better today, so I'm hopeful I will feel better tomorrow.

Thanks for the prayers and positive energy. The end is in sight! We can do this!

Love,
Ella

26 Weeks 3 Days, 2 Weeks 4 Days in the Hospital, 7 Weeks 3 Days to Go

This is how I feel - exhausted.

Last night the contractions did eventually slow way down. They stopped this morning and since then I've had "uterine irritability", basically small cramping. The bleeding has slowed down too. Hazel's heart rate went back to normal I think within and hour or two of being monitored. They put me on oxygen to see if it would lower her heart rate and it worked. They took me off of the Magnesium Sulphate at 1:30 am (half an hour early) because I was having horrible chest pains. It felt like someone was standing on my chest. I could still breathe, but I couldn't sleep because of the pain. I think not having any food in my system escalated the symptoms. I was on Mag with Avella, but the side effects were not nearly as bad. I kept breathing weird, having to make noises to calm myself down, and having to move my head back and forth. Weird, I know. I think I freaked Ryan out.  

They let me eat at 2 am and I felt SO much better. I was trying not to be cranky at that point. We Bonds get very cranky when we don't eat. I was able to sleep off and on after that. I had such a hard time sleeping because I had the compressor cuffs on my legs (to prevent blood clots), a catheter, the two monitors (one for Hazel's heart and one for contractions), the IV, and the chest pain. The Mag made me hyper aware of everything touching me and every sound in the room. 

The good news is this morning we were told as long as everything was still calm after lunch they would move me back upstairs to my room. It's funny how excited I felt to go back upstairs to my hospital room where I get to stay for another 7 weeks. I know it sounds extremely exciting. 

Well, we're back upstairs and couldn't be happier. The only bummer is I can only get out of bed to use the restroom. That means no showers and no walking around. I went from being able to walk around my room for 10 minutes a day to only bathroom breaks. Yea...

In comparing these recent events to that first dramatic Tuesday that we had here, we noticed some things. The Tuesday I went down to L&D and the Neonatologist talked to me I started crying as soon as she left the room. I was worried and upset. I cried, called Ryan, said a prayer, and cried some more. I soon felt peace and knew that Hazel wasn't supposed to come that day. When Ryan came I told him how I felt and he told me he had felt the exact same thing. We were grateful for the peace, but we still felt stressed when the Neonatologist came back to talk to us. We realized the stress was because we knew it was not supposed to happen and we were worried we were being pushed in that direction. We felt such a relief when I was sent back to my room. 

Yesterday we felt that peace from the beginning. I think that's why we were so calm yesterday throughout everything. I didn't know if she was supposed to come yesterday, but I felt peace that whatever happened was supposed to happen. We had to take it one step at a time and hope for the best. I honestly had no idea how all of it would turn out. I'm grateful that I haven't had her yet. I'm still rooting for her to be born in March! That way we will have made it to at least 30 weeks. I do, however, realize that I am not in control at all of how this will all play out. I'm OK not being in charge. I trust that Heavenly Father has a plan. I wish I knew his plan, but I will have to rely on my faith in Him and have hope. And I'm OK with that.

As I was laying in bed in pain and not able to sleep last night I was wondering which direction the morning would take us. Would Hazel be born? Would everything calm down? Feeling all of the pain and discomfort I was feeling in those worst moments (and thinking back on all of the pain of the entire pregnancy), I knew that I would go through all of it for another 7 weeks and 3 days just so Hazel wouldn't have to experience as much pain. I would go through anything so that she has the best chance at being healthy and growing up strong. 

I just love her so much.

Love,

Ella

26 Weeks 2 Days

I really didn't want to update. I'm kind of done with the drama. But here it is... I started having contractions this morning after I passed a blood clot. Hazel's heart rate was 180, which is too high. My contractions were 2 minutes apart and I was dilated to 1.5. I was also bleeding. I'm on the magnesium sulfate right now. The contractions and bleeding have slowed. Her heart rate has been great. The mag will be done at 2am and they will check me again to see if I've dilated and see if I'm still contracting and/or bleeding. They (and we) are really hoping we don't have to have her tonight. Time will tell.

Thanks for the prayers friends.

Side note - They won't let me eat. I can finally drink after 9 hours. I haven't eaten since 7:30 this morning. Boo. I'm exhausted. That's all.

Love,
Ella