Worn out
Grateful
Excited
Worried
Emotional
Sad
Happy
Peace
Stressed
Calm
Contemplative
Unsure
Depressed
Prayerful
Humble
Loved
Determined
Strong
Weak
Vulnerable
Loving
Steady
Those would be the words to describe how I'm feeling. I think it's interesting that we go through experiences that we feel such a range of emotions, and so many of them are opposites of another. It's impossible to go through such impactful things in our lives and just feel or think one way about it. I believe that is part of personal growth. I can express sadness and let myself feel it, process it and then choose how I will react to the situation and how I will move forward. And it is ok to feel sad or depressed. We are human after all. Overall I feel peace and determination. But all it takes is one day of crying and feeling vulnerable to completely exhaust me. Emotions can take such a toll physically.
Thank you for your empathy during this time of roller coaster emotions. I feel safe to be honest in what I'm feeling and thinking. I may not put everything I'm feeling and thinking here on this blog, but I'm grateful for the moments when I'm able to share with a friend or family member in the moment I need to and they are able to listen with no judgements and just love me. Those moments help carry me through the tough days.
I'm sure if you're reading this you're thinking, ok tell me something I don't know. :) I'm finding it's helpful for me to type this and then read it and tell myself that it will be ok. I will be ok.
Love,
Ella
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
22 Weeks 3 Days
I don't know about you, but twenty two and a half weeks feels like a BIG accomplishment! Only eleven and a half more to go. One week until I meet with my Perinatologist, and one and a half weeks before I get checked into the hospital.
I have had a lot of people ask how I'm feeling and I thought I would answer that here. I'm in pain about 80% of the time. (I want to say 95%, but that would be exaggerating. :) When you don't have a lot of amniotic fluid there isn't a 'cushion' between the baby and everything else. I know during previous pregnancies it has been painful when the baby has pushed against my placenta. Without the amniotic fluid there to be a buffer it is even worse. When she decides to stretch herself out there is pain everywhere. I worry about it getting worse as she gets bigger!
With my placenta leaking blood and it pooling at the top of my cervix it creates this weird pressure that actually feels better once the blood has passed. I'm not glad when I am leaking fluid or blood, but when the pressure is finally released I'm very grateful. Then there is the pain of cramping/contractions that come with or without the leaking.
Of course there are all of the discomforts that come with bed rest. What? Isn't it awesome laying in bed all day, you ask. No. No it is not. I keep telling Ryan everyone should have to go on bed rest for two weeks. The first day, or even two, can be quite nice. It's all downhill from there. Not even being able to get up to get yourself a drink of water is frustrating. It's hard depending on everyone around you for everything you need. There is usually one day a week that the pain is so bad that I am not able to shower. Once Trevan had to bring me my toothbrush so I could brush my teeth in bed. Gross. And slightly embarrassing.
What are the discomforts of bed rest? BO. Seriously, I stink some days (even within hours of showering)! When you're in bed, or on the couch, all day you get stinky. You should try it. Another thing that can happen is pulling muscles. When they are rarely used they can get pulled easily when you do use them. Last but not least is constipation (or as my sister would call it when she was little "frozen"). I have to take Metamucil and stool softeners regularly (regularly... ha ha). One morning I woke up to Trevan bringing me a full bottle of water and my stool softeners 'in case I need them'. Let's just say the kids are very familiar with all of this by now. *Side note - Ethan was peeling an orange yesterday and Trevan told him he was opening the uterus to get the baby orange out. Yep, my kids are becoming a little too familiar with all of this.
Even though I'm uncomfortable most of the time or in pain I still think it's worth it to have my beautiful baby girl. It definitely hasn't been the pregnancy I hoped for or was expecting, but I'm grateful I'm able to bring this baby into our family. She is loved already.
I will end with the things that I currently enjoy:
Shower-baths - I'm not supposed to take baths with my water being broken, so I lay in the tub and turn on the shower and pretend I'm taking a bath. The shower steams up the bathroom like a sauna. It's actually quite relaxing
The greatest friends and family a girl could ever ask for. I have had people help clean my house, watch my kids, come visit me, bring my family meals, and help me gain perspective. I am grateful for each one of them.
Everything digital - I have read books, watched TV shows, and shopped & played online. Thank you technology.
And finally the best... My family - My boys fill up my water bottle countless times a day, usually without being asked. They bring me treats and surprises they think I would like. They surprise me by cleaning up the house without being asked. Avella will constantly bring toys to me so we can play together or color together. She's constantly asking me if I need her to bring me my medicine. She loves to talk to baby Hazel (she pronounces it "Pazel"). And best of all is Ryan. I'm grateful to have a husband who is kind and generous. He serves me daily and doesn't complain. He works all day, sometimes at home where he helps with kids on his breaks, and then comes home and takes care of me, the children, and our home. He rarely has free time but doesn't complain. He is such a giving, compassionate, and empathetic person. Basically he rocks! I do realize how blessed I am to have him by my side for eternity.
Love,
Ella
I have had a lot of people ask how I'm feeling and I thought I would answer that here. I'm in pain about 80% of the time. (I want to say 95%, but that would be exaggerating. :) When you don't have a lot of amniotic fluid there isn't a 'cushion' between the baby and everything else. I know during previous pregnancies it has been painful when the baby has pushed against my placenta. Without the amniotic fluid there to be a buffer it is even worse. When she decides to stretch herself out there is pain everywhere. I worry about it getting worse as she gets bigger!
With my placenta leaking blood and it pooling at the top of my cervix it creates this weird pressure that actually feels better once the blood has passed. I'm not glad when I am leaking fluid or blood, but when the pressure is finally released I'm very grateful. Then there is the pain of cramping/contractions that come with or without the leaking.
Of course there are all of the discomforts that come with bed rest. What? Isn't it awesome laying in bed all day, you ask. No. No it is not. I keep telling Ryan everyone should have to go on bed rest for two weeks. The first day, or even two, can be quite nice. It's all downhill from there. Not even being able to get up to get yourself a drink of water is frustrating. It's hard depending on everyone around you for everything you need. There is usually one day a week that the pain is so bad that I am not able to shower. Once Trevan had to bring me my toothbrush so I could brush my teeth in bed. Gross. And slightly embarrassing.
What are the discomforts of bed rest? BO. Seriously, I stink some days (even within hours of showering)! When you're in bed, or on the couch, all day you get stinky. You should try it. Another thing that can happen is pulling muscles. When they are rarely used they can get pulled easily when you do use them. Last but not least is constipation (or as my sister would call it when she was little "frozen"). I have to take Metamucil and stool softeners regularly (regularly... ha ha). One morning I woke up to Trevan bringing me a full bottle of water and my stool softeners 'in case I need them'. Let's just say the kids are very familiar with all of this by now. *Side note - Ethan was peeling an orange yesterday and Trevan told him he was opening the uterus to get the baby orange out. Yep, my kids are becoming a little too familiar with all of this.
Even though I'm uncomfortable most of the time or in pain I still think it's worth it to have my beautiful baby girl. It definitely hasn't been the pregnancy I hoped for or was expecting, but I'm grateful I'm able to bring this baby into our family. She is loved already.
I will end with the things that I currently enjoy:
Shower-baths - I'm not supposed to take baths with my water being broken, so I lay in the tub and turn on the shower and pretend I'm taking a bath. The shower steams up the bathroom like a sauna. It's actually quite relaxing
The greatest friends and family a girl could ever ask for. I have had people help clean my house, watch my kids, come visit me, bring my family meals, and help me gain perspective. I am grateful for each one of them.
Everything digital - I have read books, watched TV shows, and shopped & played online. Thank you technology.
And finally the best... My family - My boys fill up my water bottle countless times a day, usually without being asked. They bring me treats and surprises they think I would like. They surprise me by cleaning up the house without being asked. Avella will constantly bring toys to me so we can play together or color together. She's constantly asking me if I need her to bring me my medicine. She loves to talk to baby Hazel (she pronounces it "Pazel"). And best of all is Ryan. I'm grateful to have a husband who is kind and generous. He serves me daily and doesn't complain. He works all day, sometimes at home where he helps with kids on his breaks, and then comes home and takes care of me, the children, and our home. He rarely has free time but doesn't complain. He is such a giving, compassionate, and empathetic person. Basically he rocks! I do realize how blessed I am to have him by my side for eternity.
Love,
Ella
Saturday, December 28, 2013
21 Weeks, and a Correction
First I'll start with the correction of information in the last post. When I stated there was a risk of Pulmonary Hypertension, I really meant Pulmonary Hypoplasia.
I'm 21 weeks today! We celebrate every little accomplishment here. :)
I had a appointment with my OB this past Monday. The ultrasound I had at that appointment showed that my fluid level was up to 2.7 cm. While it's not great, I'll take it. It's better than 1.9 cm! It is hard to rely on the ultrasound measurements because they will vary depending on the tech doing it and whether the baby has a full tummy or bladder (she had both when my fluid was at 1.9). My next scheduled ultrasound is in a couple of weeks. We will be praying that the levels are even better at that one. The bleeding and leaking of fluid has slowed considerably, but there is still enough to cause concern.
I'm trying to drink even more water than normal to help the fluid levels go up. I already drink so much it's hard to try to drink more. Remember this post?
It seems like there was a slight misunderstanding (Ryan will be sure to tell you it was on my part) on when I will check into the hospital. It looks like it will be between 23-24 weeks. They will try and let me go to 34 weeks and then I will have a cesarean, or earlier if there are complications. I am grateful we have time to prepare before I check in, unlike last time. We have time to decide which hospital we want to be in, prepare the kids for what's in store, and basically wrap our minds around things a little bit.
Thanks to everyone for all of your prayers and uplifting words. They truly do make a difference!
Love,
Ella
I'm 21 weeks today! We celebrate every little accomplishment here. :)
I had a appointment with my OB this past Monday. The ultrasound I had at that appointment showed that my fluid level was up to 2.7 cm. While it's not great, I'll take it. It's better than 1.9 cm! It is hard to rely on the ultrasound measurements because they will vary depending on the tech doing it and whether the baby has a full tummy or bladder (she had both when my fluid was at 1.9). My next scheduled ultrasound is in a couple of weeks. We will be praying that the levels are even better at that one. The bleeding and leaking of fluid has slowed considerably, but there is still enough to cause concern.
I'm trying to drink even more water than normal to help the fluid levels go up. I already drink so much it's hard to try to drink more. Remember this post?
It seems like there was a slight misunderstanding (Ryan will be sure to tell you it was on my part) on when I will check into the hospital. It looks like it will be between 23-24 weeks. They will try and let me go to 34 weeks and then I will have a cesarean, or earlier if there are complications. I am grateful we have time to prepare before I check in, unlike last time. We have time to decide which hospital we want to be in, prepare the kids for what's in store, and basically wrap our minds around things a little bit.
Thanks to everyone for all of your prayers and uplifting words. They truly do make a difference!
Love,
Ella
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Update: 19 weeks 3 days
We met with the perinatologist today. Ryan and I both liked him and we're glad we get to work with him throughout the rest of the pregnancy. He was very good at explaining everything in a way we could understand. He also went over every possibility, and while it's a little scary to hear every possible scenario it's nice to know and be able to plan accordingly. His catchphrase seemed to be "Nothing is an absolute". I love it. He told us that we could discuss whether the glass was half full or half empty all day (or go over every statistic ever), but when it comes down to it you have to take every possibility into consideration... "Nothing is an absolute".
At the ultrasound we got good and bad news and confirmed things we already knew. It was confirmed that my water did indeed break. The fluid was measured at 1.9 cm this time (no, that's not good). Obviously my water is still leaking. There is nothing we can do to stop my water from leaking or to keep me from bleeding and having contractions.
The good news is that they ruled out the low fluid being a symptom of non-functioning kidneys. Her kidneys look great. She has fluid in her belly and bladder which is good, because it shows that she is swallowing and that her kidneys and bladder are functioning. Honestly everything looks perfect right now except for low amniotic fluid and a leaking placenta. (That's all. No big deal, right?) The blood flow to and from the placenta looks great also.
Here is the bad (or maybe I should say uncertain?) part... This is the time when it is critical for her to have enough amniotic fluid to fill her lungs when she "breathes" in the womb. This is part of the lung development. If it doesn't happen, even if she makes it to 40 weeks, she won't be able to transition once she is born. No matter the amount of oxygen they tried to put her on having underdeveloped lungs she would not survive. It's called pulmonary hypertension.
Another concern is umbilical cord compression. When there isn't enough amniotic fluid the cord can be compressed and the blood flow reduced. This causes the baby's heart rate to drop. If that were to happen the baby would need to be delivered to prevent brain damage and other complications.
My next appointment with the perinatologist is mid January. At that point if everything is looking the same as it is now we would have to decide whether or not to check me into the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. The purpose of checking me in would be the 24/7 monitoring of baby's heartbeat. They would check me in at 23 weeks because the pregnancy would be considered viable. Once checked into the hospital they would put me on steroids and antibiotics like they did with Avella. If her heart rate did drop at any time they would deliver her. Otherwise they would try to let me go to 34 weeks before they deliver her via cesarean.
Words can't properly express how grateful I am for all of the prayers and fasting on behalf of our family. We have been blessed with meals, babysitting, kind words, love, and positivity from friends and family. Thank you to all of you that have served in the ways that you are able. I realize you are taking time away from your own families to serve us. We appreciate you and all you have done for our family! Whenever I am having a moment where I wonder if I can keep going without fail I get a phone call, email, or someone stopping by to see how I'm doing. All of these have gotten me through the last few (very difficult) months. I am so blessed and wish I could give all of you a big hug and say thank you.
Love,
Ella
P.S.
If you have any suggestions for names we are open to them. The top name right now is Hazel. That is what Avella and I are calling her. The boys aren't fans, but they have no suggestions. Avella and I just might win by default. ;)
At the ultrasound we got good and bad news and confirmed things we already knew. It was confirmed that my water did indeed break. The fluid was measured at 1.9 cm this time (no, that's not good). Obviously my water is still leaking. There is nothing we can do to stop my water from leaking or to keep me from bleeding and having contractions.
The good news is that they ruled out the low fluid being a symptom of non-functioning kidneys. Her kidneys look great. She has fluid in her belly and bladder which is good, because it shows that she is swallowing and that her kidneys and bladder are functioning. Honestly everything looks perfect right now except for low amniotic fluid and a leaking placenta. (That's all. No big deal, right?) The blood flow to and from the placenta looks great also.
Here is the bad (or maybe I should say uncertain?) part... This is the time when it is critical for her to have enough amniotic fluid to fill her lungs when she "breathes" in the womb. This is part of the lung development. If it doesn't happen, even if she makes it to 40 weeks, she won't be able to transition once she is born. No matter the amount of oxygen they tried to put her on having underdeveloped lungs she would not survive. It's called pulmonary hypertension.
Another concern is umbilical cord compression. When there isn't enough amniotic fluid the cord can be compressed and the blood flow reduced. This causes the baby's heart rate to drop. If that were to happen the baby would need to be delivered to prevent brain damage and other complications.
My next appointment with the perinatologist is mid January. At that point if everything is looking the same as it is now we would have to decide whether or not to check me into the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. The purpose of checking me in would be the 24/7 monitoring of baby's heartbeat. They would check me in at 23 weeks because the pregnancy would be considered viable. Once checked into the hospital they would put me on steroids and antibiotics like they did with Avella. If her heart rate did drop at any time they would deliver her. Otherwise they would try to let me go to 34 weeks before they deliver her via cesarean.
Words can't properly express how grateful I am for all of the prayers and fasting on behalf of our family. We have been blessed with meals, babysitting, kind words, love, and positivity from friends and family. Thank you to all of you that have served in the ways that you are able. I realize you are taking time away from your own families to serve us. We appreciate you and all you have done for our family! Whenever I am having a moment where I wonder if I can keep going without fail I get a phone call, email, or someone stopping by to see how I'm doing. All of these have gotten me through the last few (very difficult) months. I am so blessed and wish I could give all of you a big hug and say thank you.
Love,
Ella
P.S.
If you have any suggestions for names we are open to them. The top name right now is Hazel. That is what Avella and I are calling her. The boys aren't fans, but they have no suggestions. Avella and I just might win by default. ;)
Thursday, December 12, 2013
I'm one day away from being 19 weeks pregnant. It is a beautiful baby girl. :)
I've had a lot of issues with this pregnancy. I won't bore you with all of them. I will tell you about the most recent. Today at my doctors appointment we learned that I've lost more than half of my amniotic fluid. Isn't that bad, you ask. Yes, yes it is. My levels should be at a 10. It's considered dangerous for the baby if you're below 5, and I'm at 4.5. Babies need amniotic fluid for their lungs to be able to develop, among other things.
Things could really go either way (this is what I've been told at most of my Dr. appointments about other concerns). So again we find ourselves having to give it time to see how my body will respond (Just cooperate already, please!). Our hope is that my fluid levels slowly go back up and even if I am on bed rest the rest of the pregnancy that I will at least make it to 30+ weeks.
Being this early in the pregnancy (meaning she wouldn't be viable at this point) they won't do anything if my body goes into labor again. I've had contractions and bleeding for most of my pregnancy and it has gotten consistently worse. Last night was when I was having contractions and my water broke (it leaked a small amount at about 11 weeks also). I think as long as that doesn't happen again things will calm down and I can make it into the third trimester.
I have an appointment with the perinatologist on Tuesday. We are hoping the levels will have raised and that we will get more answers on how to move forward. When I was in the hospital with Avella I had the detailed ultrasounds and met with the perinatologist. I do remember that depending on the person doing the ultrasound the measurements could vary slightly. I'm hoping that when we go on Tuesday the levels are high enough to let us all breathe a sigh of relief.
We (Ryan & I) would appreciate any prayers, positive thoughts, and kind words you would send our way. We have been humbled at the outpouring of love we have already received and we thank you in advance for your prayers and support. We couldn't do it without all of you!
Love,
Ella
I've had a lot of issues with this pregnancy. I won't bore you with all of them. I will tell you about the most recent. Today at my doctors appointment we learned that I've lost more than half of my amniotic fluid. Isn't that bad, you ask. Yes, yes it is. My levels should be at a 10. It's considered dangerous for the baby if you're below 5, and I'm at 4.5. Babies need amniotic fluid for their lungs to be able to develop, among other things.
Things could really go either way (this is what I've been told at most of my Dr. appointments about other concerns). So again we find ourselves having to give it time to see how my body will respond (Just cooperate already, please!). Our hope is that my fluid levels slowly go back up and even if I am on bed rest the rest of the pregnancy that I will at least make it to 30+ weeks.
Being this early in the pregnancy (meaning she wouldn't be viable at this point) they won't do anything if my body goes into labor again. I've had contractions and bleeding for most of my pregnancy and it has gotten consistently worse. Last night was when I was having contractions and my water broke (it leaked a small amount at about 11 weeks also). I think as long as that doesn't happen again things will calm down and I can make it into the third trimester.
I have an appointment with the perinatologist on Tuesday. We are hoping the levels will have raised and that we will get more answers on how to move forward. When I was in the hospital with Avella I had the detailed ultrasounds and met with the perinatologist. I do remember that depending on the person doing the ultrasound the measurements could vary slightly. I'm hoping that when we go on Tuesday the levels are high enough to let us all breathe a sigh of relief.
We (Ryan & I) would appreciate any prayers, positive thoughts, and kind words you would send our way. We have been humbled at the outpouring of love we have already received and we thank you in advance for your prayers and support. We couldn't do it without all of you!
Love,
Ella
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Family picture time!
Mom, this post is for you. After seven months of checking my blog you can finally have a post to read/look at.
I'm happy (really, really happy) with our family pictures this year. And I only planned the outfits four days in advance. To me, that's crazy fast. I used clothing we already had and only ended up having to buy the ties and Ethan's shirt. Success.
I won't lie and promise more posts anytime soon. I love the idea of posting more, but I'm busy, tired, and sick most of the time. So, I'll see you in another seven months. ;)
Friday, February 1, 2013
Avella vs. RSV
I really didn't think that two years later I would be using the blog to update about Avella again, but here we are...
She got sick Sunday, went to the doctor on Tuesday, and got admitted the hospital on Wednesday. I knew something wasn't right on Wednesday - she was lethargic and acting differently than when she had RSV last year. I took her to the hospital to get suctioned and found out her oxygen was low. The suctioning helped enough. I checked her oxygen at 10 that night and it was 85. Not good. Back to the hospital we went. This time the suctioning didn't help.
She was admitted, and we found out she also had an ear infection (which wasn't there the day before). It was a sleepless sad night for Avella, being uncomfortable and in a new place.
I have to say that this time seems so much easier and so different. I realized it is easier because I feel (and am) more in control of the situation. I can hold, feed, bathe, dress & comfort my baby whenever I want. I can stay in the room with her 24/7. I can use whatever diaper rash cream I want to (yes, seriously). I can also tell the nurses when she will eat and nap. It's definitely less stressful this way.
The weird thing is even though it feels different it still feels familiar - being aware of where every cord and tube is whenever I hold her, saving every diaper to be weighed, making sure I order the meals in time, the nurses checking her every few hours. They all sound silly, but it feels like I'm stepping back into this mini life we had two years ago. In a way it's easier knowing what expect.
Enough rambling, back to Avella...
They keep trying to take her off of oxygen. Sometimes her lungs cooperate. She only needs it when she sleeps now. When she naps she can go about an hour without. Then all of the gunk in her chest settles and she needs it again. The good news is she acting like herself again. It makes it hard to entertain her in a tiny room, but we don't mind.
I am hopeful that we can go home tomorrow (maybe on oxygen?). I'm grateful for all of the prayers that have been sent our way; they make all the difference. I'm sorry there are no pictures (Dad & Mom). I'm typing this on my Kindle and all of my
photos are on my phone.
Love to all of you,
Ella
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