33 Weeks 2 Days

So much to update... I'm home from the hospital (as of last Tuesday night). My stomach is doing much better. I'm able to eat normally for the most part. I had to take an anti nausea pill just this morning, but otherwise I've been feeling ok.

Here are the updates for Hazel:

• I got to hold her for the first time on Thursday, the 20th! We were both so happy. At that point I hadn't seen her for eight days. It was good for both of us. :)
• Her Nitric Oxide is down to 1%. It might take another week or so to completely wean her off of it.
• She got two days in a row of "lab holidays". That means she didn't get poked or have blood drawn. She deserved a break.
• She is still slowly being weaned off of her pain meds.
• She is awake more and looks adorable with her eyes open.
 

I love seeing her wrapped up like a little burrito.

 

 

I've been feeling overwhelmed and, let's face it, tired. I've been home for almost a week and I'm still adjusting to being home and what I'm able to do. I have days that I feel better and I try to do more. It's hard to know when I should rest and when it's ok to do more. I'm more emotional lately - gotta love hormones. I'm praying things mellow out and I feel more normal very soon.

 

Love,

Ella

 

It's been a rough weekend. I haven't felt up to posting anything.

Saturday they switched me to oral pain meds. It was too soon in my opinion because that meant decreasing the amount as well. I can't take Motrin because it will upset my stomach. Decreasing didn't sound like a great idea. I'm recovering from major surgery after all.

I woke up in the middle of the night Saturday disoriented, engorged, nauseous, needing to go to the bathroom, and in so much pain. I thought I was at IMC still with Hazel. I also thought Ryan or my Mom was in the room with me. The CNA had peeked her head in and that's what woke me up. I started panicking and she ran and grabbed the nurses. It was so scary! I felt like a little kid that woke up in the middle of the night scared.

After going to the bathroom I insisted on my IV pain meds. They kept telling me it was a 'step back' because I have to be on oral pain meds to go home, but I did not care. At all. Sunday just felt like a day to recover from Saturday night. Ryan felt so bad that I had woken up scared and alone. It wasn't his fault at all. I had told him to go home. I was slightly delusional when I told him to, but he didn't know.

I felt discouraged and depressed the last couple of days. It's been hard being here for so long. And yesterday the doctor told me that it could be another 2-3 days. How am I not going to be discouraged hearing that. I had been strong throughout the hospital stay for Hazel. I was not expecting all of this.

Of course when I was feeling low I got texts, phone calls, and messages from friends and family that helped carry me through. I'm not going to say I was cheered up and happy, but they did help me through the frustration. Now my hard days can be over and I can move forward.

Liquid diet... Yum.

 

My cute niece picked out these flowers for me. Thanks Sheree and Emmry!

 

Hazel is looking more relaxed in pictures. She seems more comfy.

 

Hazel's nurses made another get well scrapbook page for me.

They are so thoughtful.

I know you can't really tell, but her eyes are open in these pictures. 

Love,

Ella

Hazel has been doing so well this week. It's been a blessing knowing that I can focus on my recovery without having to worry about how she is doing. Here are her latest updates:

• She was moved off of the Jet Ventilator and was put on the Conventional Ventilator.
• Her oxygen is at 30%.
• They are weaning her off of the Nitric Oxide and it is currently at 10%. The nurse said the next step will be to wean her down 5% and then 1% at a time after that.
• They did her spinal tap and... NO meningitis!
• She weighs 3 lbs 5 oz.
• Her feeds are at 26 mL. That is so great! 
• She is handling her cares better.
• She's been having plenty of poopy diapers.
• She's been opening her eyes more. 
• She will get her next head ultrasound at 30 days after birth which puts it at April 3rd. 
• The hole in her lung has closed and she got her chest tube out!

I am still in the hospital. They are waiting to see if there is any 'bowel activity'. Basically I need to have a BM or pass gas before I can go. I am finally able to drink water and eat ice chips. I've tried sipping juice. I seem to do ok with it if I don't really swallow a lot. It does help get rid of the metallic taste from all of the IVs. I'm still on the saline. I was low on potassium, so they've added that as well. I'm still on the two antibiotics, Clindamycin and Gentamicin. For pain they have me on Tordol and Dilaudid. Good stuff. I still cannot take oral medications everything has to be through the IV.

I haven't seen the doctor yet today, but I know at one point they had said they would do another CT Scan. I'm not sure if they have changed courses with my treatment though. Yesterday my Mom was telling Ryan and his Mom everything that had happened since Tuesday night and I realized I had been aware of about maybe 25% of everything that happened then and since then. I think I need to touch base with the doctor again and really understand what they are thinking and doing in terms of my treatment.

The good news is I am feeling better. Ryan couldn't believe how chipper I sounded this morning. The bad news is that the better I feel the more bored I get and I am more antsy to go home.

Happy Saturday!

Love,
Ella

All About Yours Truly...

Hm. Where to start. Let's start with the latest, then maybe we'll backtrack a bit later.

Tuesday night I ate dinner and noticed it didn't quite sit right. I have been having a hard time eating food though ever since the cesarean. I've been preferring to drink water or juice and eat Cream of Wheat and toast. I would be fine not eating anything, but the nurses (and Ryan and my Mom) don't like that. So most of the time I was being force fed. This happened a little after I had Avella so I didn't think much of it.

I went to bed early Tuesday night thinking I would wake up feeling better. Nope. I woke up at 10 pm and knew something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and realized I needed to throw up. I did and thought I would feel better because it was just what I ate. I then called my mom upstairs to come help me (you would've too if your mom was at your house). I really wasn't feeling well at this point. Stomach cramps and uterine cramps make a deadly combination. I tried taking a pain pill, but I threw it right back up. For the next five or six hours I was running to the bathroom puking and crawling back into bed. My Mom was there every. single. time. She crashed on the couch up in my room so she could be right there to help me. She emptied every puke bucket, gave me sips of water, rubbed my feet, got me Gatorade, and would sit by me until I could relax enough to fall back asleep. I would even start to moan or call her name and she would be there. Can you tell my Mom loves me? I sure can. I hope that I can grow up to be a little bit like her.

At about three or four in the morning I told my Mom to call 911 and that I wanted to go to the hospital. I realized it wasn't going to stop. I knew I had hit my limit and I needed to get hydrated and get some pain medication! The stomach cramping would not go away. I have never had stomach pains like this before and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. She called Wendy from across the street and asked her to sit with the kids. Wendy helped keep me calm while waiting for the ambulance. I don't know about you, but when I reach that point of pain where I am done then I am completely done! They could not get here fast enough.

I hate Eagle Mountain streets. Again, I hate Eagle Mountain streets! They are so bumpy. Ugh. The paramedic was trying to get my IV going and I asked him if it was a good time to try and do it because the roads were so rough. He told me there was never really a great time to do one in a moving vehicle. So reassuring. ;) He was actually great. He tried distracting me and he was calm. The whole team was great. What a hard job to have.

I was told I could go to AF Hospital or Riverton. I cried when they told me I couldn't go to IMC where my baby was. Hours after I had been at AF they told me they were going to transport me to IMC because my doctor was there. I told them I wasn't going to leave AF. At that point I knew this was the hospital I was supposed to be at. Funny how things work out. I asked them if my OB in Pleasant Grove could be over my case here since he was up to date on everything to that point in my pregnancy. He agreed to treat me here.

I think it is a good thing I didn't end up at IMC because I would feel guilty being at the same hospital as Hazel and not being able to go see her. I had been in severe pain (and puking/dry heaving) until last night when we finally figured out what pain medications I was responding well to and the dosing on them.

Off track, I know. I'm all medicated up. It's hard to focus. So all of this happened in the wee hours of Wednesday morning and it's now Thursday night. Here's the rundown. They did a CAT Scan in the emergency room which showed some of my intestines swollen and irritated and other parts completely flat. Ouch. I have not been able to pass gas or have a bowel movement since checking into the hospital. If I still haven't been able to very soon then I get to meet with the surgeon. I really, really, really don't want to have to have any kind of operation. This could end up being a blockage, kink, or Ileus (that is where your bowels shut down). Oh, I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything. I can sponge my mouth out with water. Yep.

All of the things I'm grateful for:

• My Mom being by my side through all of this. Ryan has been out of town the entire time, so I've relied on her taking care of me. Plus it's so nice to have someone that loves you so much by your side.
• My Father & Mother-In-Law and Sisters-In-Law. They have helped take care of kids and tidied the house just to name a few things. We are seriously so loved. I know they would be (and are) there in a heartbeat whenever we need them.
• My Dad coming up here early to see me. And the fact that he makes me laugh. :)
• All of my family. We have so much love and support and we are so blessed!
• A Bishop and Elders Quorum President who took time out of their busy days to come and give me a blessing because they knew Ryan was out of town. I don't remember most of what was said, but I felt strength and peace and am grateful for that.
• A ward family who is truly a family to us. They have stepped in even before we realized we needed help at times and they are quick to give more than what is asked.
• Hospitals with caring doctors and nurses. It makes all the difference when you know they care.

That pink sponge is what I use to swab out my mouth. I wish I could chug that cup of ice water.

The lovely tube going down my nose sucks all of that green gunk out of my stomach and sends it to that container. I didn't think I had anything left when I got to the hospital...

 


Hazel's cute nurse made this for me. I opened up the envelope to find her hands waiting to give me a hug. Isn't that so sweet?

 

Her nurse also made me this get well scrapbook page since I couldn't be there to see her.

They are all worried about me over there too.

Those hand prints are precious.

31 Weeks 2 Days - 6 Days Old

Almost one week old! I think she looks different already when I look back at pictures from her birth day. I know it's been a long time since I've updated, I had either no time or no energy. I will try to remember everything that has changed. Here goes:

• Her last weight was 3 lbs 8 oz. 
• She is still on the Jet Ventilator which, it turns out, is the strongest (I don't know if that's the right word to use) one they have.
• They did her head ultrasound last week... and NO brain bleed! They did another one today, but they don't have the results back yet.
• She still has to be on quite a bit of pain meds. She's on Morphine and Ativan.
• She is handling her cares better. She used to have a very hard time when they did her cares - moving her, cleaning her mouth, changing her diaper, etc. She is handling them better now.
• After going on antibiotics they have rechecked her for GBS, and it came back negative. Great news!
• They will do a spinal tap to check for meningitis as soon as she is stable enough to handle it.
• She had another Echo on her heart. There is still a hole, but her heart is shunting correctly. 
• They started giving her colostrum and she is digesting it very well. She still hasn't had a bowel movement, but she still has great bowel sounds (yep, there is such a thing). Even though she hasn't pooped yet it's ok because when they draw all of the fluid up from her stomach (through the tube they draw everything out of her stomach to see if it's getting digested or not) she has never had anything left. She has digested it all! They keep upping the amounts of colostrum she gets and she continues to digest it. Good girl. She started at 2 ml each feeding and is up to 11 ml.
• The physical therapist came last week to look at her arms and legs. She was cramped in a weird position for so long that her hands and feet want to stay bent in unnatural positions, which isn't good for muscle development. She prefers to keep her right foot bent all the way up so it is touching her shin. It's kind of a strange sight. They have starting positioning her a little differently to help with that. The physical therapist today decided that we are going to wait until she is responding better to touch to start doing more. We will most likely have to keep working on these things when she comes home and who knows how far beyond that.
• She had an x-ray of her lung at 4:30 this morning. There was no air outside of the lung. They did another x-ray at 3pm and that one looked good also. They clamped off the chest tube and will recheck later to make sure there is no air outside of her lung. If there isn't any air they will remove the chest tube. Wow. 

Isn't it wonderful to see all of these miracles happening at the same time? Thank you for your prayers for Hazel and me. I haven't been doing well, but I have been comforted while going through all of this. Now if only we could pray that my pain meds would be twice as strong. ;)

Love,
Ella

I love her tiny hands!

 

This is her chest tube. You can tell her skin is red and very irritated.

They changed the bandaging and she was on antibiotics. Apparently one of them 

worked because it's fine now.

So much of the swelling has gone down that she ended up with all of this extra skin on her head.

It still makes me laugh to look at it.

I had asked Hazel's NICU nurse if I could have a diaper to take home to her siblings. 

The nurse wrapped up this cute little package of things they use to take care of Hazel.

When I gave it to the kids I showed them what her head measured when she was born.

They couldn't believe how tiny she was.

The bows in the hair have officially started.

Tough Times - 30 Weeks 5 Days - 2 Days Old

I've been kind of dreading this post because I don't even know where to start. As you'll see I have had a lot on my mind. Hazel is not doing well and we are spending most of our time and energy on her. Here is what she has going on:

• She has GBS. She has Sepsis because of this. They will be doing a Spinal Tap to see if it is only in her blood or if it has turned into Meningitis.
• She has some swelling in her head. They are doing an ultrasound on her head today to see if it's a brain bleed (and what level of brain bleed) or if it's fluid.
• She has a hole in her right lung. This has caused air to leak out and put pressure on her left lung and heart. They did a chest tube on her right side which has allowed both of her lungs to function. She is currently on the Jet Ventilator which keeps her lungs open and prevents them from collapsing. They are switching her over to another ventilator today. When I remember which one I will update.
• She has a hole in her heart. That is normal for newborns and typically closes in a few days, so they will checking again in about a week to make sure it has closed.
• She is on pain meds constantly because of the pain she's in. I'm glad they are able to make her comfortable, but it makes my heart hurt to think of everything she has already gone through. I still haven't seen her open her eyes because she's been sedated. I'm looking forward to seeing her pretty eyes open.
• She tends to flop over to her left because of her being packed so tight in the womb. They are slowly rotating her which will help her be more balanced.

We know that the NICU life is very up and down from minute to minute, day to day, and week to week. It doesn't make it any easier knowing this, but we are able to better prepare ourselves for bumps along the way. It does give us hope that Hazel will recover quickly and the doctors will tell us that she is the exception and is in the 3% that don't fit into the mold. We already know she is strong and we hope they realize it soon too. :)

I will try to keep this blog as up to date as possible. I love the support and encouragement I get through texts, emails, messages, and phone calls, but please realize that it is hard to respond quickly. Forgive me if I don't reply quickly or if I forget to reply all together. I'm not ignoring any of you. We are just in a busy season of our life right now. I'm still trying to recover physically and I have all of the emotions that come along with being Hazel's Mom.

Thank you for all of your prayers, love, and support. We feel strength because of all of you.

I know she looks kind of scrunched and smooshy and she's not totally cleaned off yet, but I still think she's so beautiful. If you met her you would feel her strength and feel how important she is to her Heavenly Father. When you're by her you also feel overwhelming peace and love. I wish you could all come see her and feel all of these things. She's a miracle.

Love,

Ella

30 Weeks 3 Days - Welcome, Hazel!

Welcome, baby Hazel! We are so excited to have you join our family. We're already smitten.

Hazel was born at 9 am today, March 4th. She weighed 3 lbs 3 oz, was 15.9" long, and had a head circumference of 28 cm. I think having gestational diabetes helped her gain some extra weight. The doctors and nurses were impressed with her weight. Go, Hazel! She is a strong girl.

When she was born her head and leg were slightly misshapen. Her leg looks fine now, and her head is looking better. It should be good in a couple of days. She does have a hole in one of her lungs that is not allowing the lung by her heart to function properly. They were going to do a chest tube (that releases the air outside of the lungs, which takes the pressure off of the lung and allows her lung to open), but decided to wait and instead they will use a needle to release that air. Her oxygen is at 34%. Do you realize how great that is?! We are so grateful for this good news. Prayers are a powerful thing.

I got to see her already. I did not expect that. I didn't see Avella for a day and a half after I had her because I couldn't get into a wheelchair. To see Hazel they wheeled my entire bed into her room in the NICU. Another blessing I'm grateful for. She has the cutest nose. And her tiny hands are so precious. When I saw her she started moving her arms and hands as I started talking to her. I like to think she knew I was there. I'm so in love with this girl already.                                                          

 

 Look at those cute wrinkles on her neck.

   

You can see here that her head shape is a little different. Remember in previous posts how I said she was wedged in a spot that was uncomfortable for me? I was also worried she  was in pain. I hope she wasn't. And look at that hair. We all know it won't last long and that she will be a baldie for years like my other babies. I think I've finally come to terms with it. ;)

This is the view I had of her when I was wheeled in on my bed. I loved seeing her move her arms 

and adorable little fingers. I can't wait to be able to touch her!

She does seem comfortable, thank goodness. She is on some pain meds because when they would move her head she would cry out in pain. :( I'm glad she's resting.

Love,

Ella