25 Weeks 4 Days, Day 12 in the Hospital, 8 Weeks 2 Days to Go

Getting ready to go to the hospital. We all look happy, as if this will be fun. Ha!

 Good times playing with the buttons on the hospital bed.

 The boys and I made our countdown chain, and Andrew made... a face.

Sometimes I like to look out the window (while I make that face) and wonder what fun things people are on their way to do. I'm sure they're just going to work or on errands most of the time. Maybe I do have the better deal...

 I love when my boys come to visit. They always bring plenty of energy. :)

 The picture of my IV is just for Andrew. Ha ha. One day they accidentally gave me two lunches. 

I think they are secretly trying to make me pack on the pounds.

They feel the need to wrestle even at the hospital. Having boys is so great. 

Guess where I ate my last meal? Yep. Wendy's. Gross, I know.  

 These are the countdown chains my boys made. I get to rip off one per week and they rip off one per day. Our colors even coordinate for each week. The first morning they did it at home Trevan said, "There are still so many left." :( It is hard for all of us. 

I love doing FaceTime with the kids at bedtime. Ryan was reading a story to Avella and let me be part of the bedtime routine. Poor girl hasn't been able to come see me at the hospital yet. She has a cold she just can't get over. The other morning she woke up and said, "I not coughing! I can go to the hospital and see Mom!"

Ryan just told me tonight that he thinks he is coming down with something. Noooooo! I really hope my family gets well quickly so they can come visit. And so they feel better, of course. 

Not much has been happening here at the hospital. Thank goodness. The NSTs have been going well each day. Hazel is moving frequently. I'm getting bored. I'm glad to have uneventful days. That gives her plenty of time to grow stronger. Good job, Hazel.

Love,

Ella

24 Weeks 4 Days, Day 5 in the Hospital, 9 Weeks 2 Days to Go

I'll jump right in and go over the conversation I had with the doctor this morning. In talking to her we figured out what went wrong yesterday. Here's the story...

When you check into the hospital as an antepartum patient they have you meet with everyone, it seems - the Neonatologist in included (I remember meeting with one when checking into the hospital with Avella). We hadn't met with one yet, so yesterday they had asked her to come talk to us. Let's backtrack to yesterday morning. During my NST they weren't quite satisfied with baby's heart rates. They want to see her have accelerations that are 10 beats above her baseline. She would have decelerations, but not accelerations. That's why they did the extra monitoring the last two days. Yesterday they sent me down to Labor and Delivery to do the extra monitoring (that's where they send everyone that requires extra monitoring).  I was there for 8.5 hours. 

Let's jump again to them having the Neonatologist meet with us. Since I was in Labor & Delivery she assumed we were having the baby that day. Talk about a HUGE miscommunication. It makes sense now why she was going over everything that could/would happen when she's born. My doctor apologized for that happening and said they weren't to that point at all of thinking we would have her yesterday. She said they were concerned enough by the decelerations and the fact that her baseline was higher than when we checked in on Saturday, but she said once they did the biometric scan last night they were happy with what they saw. She scored a 6 which was better than Monday. 

The scale they use to give the points isn't perfect. They use this same scale for a baby that is 24 weeks or 30 weeks. She said part of the problem is a 24 week baby is usually not going to be able to get as good of a score as a 30 week baby. But they have this one point system that they rate them all on. With my low fluid I may never get above a 6, but that is OK as long as it's normal for me and baby. That's why the longer they've been monitoring me the better able they are to see the bigger picture.

The reason they were worried about her baseline being higher is that it can mean there is an infection. Sometimes the baby will give you signs of an infection before your body will. She explained that they are still trying to figure out what's normal for my baby and me. Once I've been here longer they will have a little bit of a history to let them know that things are OK. It all made sense when she explained it and I'm grateful for the peace of mind that they are doing their best to help keep me pregnant.

She said that they aren't even close to thinking they'll have to deliver baby girl. They are just being very thorough and making sure they are checking everything. The good news is the NST went well today and I didn't even have to do the biometric scan. I'm grateful that today has been calm and that we feel reassured. I know that every day will be different and that we don't know what to expect. We can take one day at a time and do our best. 

Ryan and I were overwhelmed with the prayers, messages, phone calls, and texts we received yesterday. I know I keep saying that we appreciate all of the prayers and support. I keep thinking how else I can word it so that each one of you feel the love and appreciation I have for each of you and how much it means to me to know that just by me asking we have a huge support system praying for our family all at once. I wish everyone could feel the power in that. So, I hope when I say thank you that you all know and feel how much you mean to us.

Love,

Ella

24 Weeks 3 Days, Day 4 in the Hospital, 9 Weeks 3 Days to Go

I didn't think I'd be updating so soon. Crazy how things can happen so quickly. First of all, thank you for all of the (quick!) prayers you sent our way today. It's amazing how much strength and peace we can feel so quickly through prayers sent our way.

I went downstairs this morning for NST (Non Stress Testing). They do it daily to monitor her heart rate. If they aren't satisfied with what they see/hear then they do a biometric scan (A scan that takes up to half an hour - They count body movement, lung movement/ breathing - hiccups count too, and big movements.) Yesterday and today they ended up doing the biometric scan because they weren't totally satisfied with the results they were seeing. They give points for each thing in the scan. Amniotic fluid is one set of points, clearly I get no points in that category. The most you can get is a ten. The most I can get is an eight. Yesterday I got four out of eight. I don't know the score today, but it was enough that they decided to not deliver her today. Yea! Every day she stays in the womb is a blessing as it allows her to keep developing and growing and giving her a better chance once she's born.

The scary thing today is when they said they thought they were going to have to deliver her. The Neonatologist came and talked to me (I wish Ryan had been there! It was hard to hear without him.) and told me the mortality rates of a 24 weeker. Not survival rates, the mortality rates and rates for severe disabilities, etc. We've heard these things before, but when you're being told 'we're going to deliver your baby and we don't think she'll make it' it's just scary. Ryan came rushing down to be with me after that. Love that man. Then the doctor came and did the biometric scan, he talked to the other doctor, they did blood work, and they told us they were going to wait because she seems to be ok for now. The Neonatologist came back and talked to Ryan and I together and even handed us a printout of the statistics on our baby. I don't know how helpful that was... We do appreciate hearing all of the possibilities and the decisions we might need to make.

My mind still feels a little rattled. I hope everything I've said makes sense. If it doesn't I'll try to fix it a little later. I wanted to update all of you as I know you are worried and praying for us. Thank you for your support. We love you.

Love,
Ella

24 Weeks 2 Days, Day 3 in the Hospital, 9 Weeks 4 Days to Go

Can you believe how the time is flying?!... Ha ha ha. I thought it might be fun to open with a joke and keep things light. I'm laughing. :)

The last appointment with my Perinatologist in AF was last Tuesday. Overall it went well. She's still growing, she had a tummy full of fluid again, but she would not show us her face! She was facing my spine and had both of her hands right up by her face, meaning we couldn't even get a profile shot. Did I mention this was the only time we have gotten a DVD with an ultrasound. Yep. Money well spent. I will post pictures at some point of what a baby with no fluid around her looks like. It is so very hard to see anything. Oh, the fluid measured "about" 1 cm.

On the ultrasound today the fluid measurement was the same. The good news is she had the hiccups! It doesn't sound like a big deal, but that uses her lungs. We were all very happy to see that. 

I just have to share our story of checking into the hospital. I'm learning (still) that you can have everything planned and prepared on your end and things can still go not as planned. At all. 

When we saw the Perinatologist last Tuesday we told him which hospital we had chosen and then he had us wait while he called and arranged everything for us. He told us what doctor was on call, and that the doctor was aware of the situation and would be ready for us. He told us where to check in and all that jazz. The following day I received a call from the hospital and was told that instead of checking in at Labor & Delivery to just check in at the registration office and they would tell me my room number and have everything ready to go. Sounds good so far, no? 

We show up on Saturday, and the registration offices are closed on Saturdays. Um, ok. We talked to the receptionist and she called a few people to see where to send me. She couldn't find anyone that had any idea we were coming. (Side note: This last weekend was the BUSIEST weekend they have had in along time. Something about a full moon... Not great timing for us trying to check in.) They finally decided to send us up to the third floor because that's where I would be staying... if they check me in, they said. OK...

As I started to get settled into my room they decided to take me down to labor and delivery to make sure I should be checking in. Down we went. We ended up at the front desk and started talking to a doctor and explained the situation to her and the nurses at the desk. Things got a little heated at one point. And not on our end. Just saying. I made sure to keep my cool and be respectful but firm. Ryan, well I think he was trying, but I ended up having to do all of the talking so he wouldn't lose it. He was just looking out for me. :) We think because of the miscommunication and the busy day there was a lot of stress happening in the Women's Center. I think the doctor finally realized I wan't telling her how to do her job, I was just trying to understand what she was wanting to do so I could weigh the pros and cons. She finally apologized for having this conversation in the middle of the entrance and moved us to a room. I have to say I was feeling attacked. You can ask Ryan how it went down. It wasn't pretty. But I was so proud of myself for keeping calm and not letting my emotions control the situation, but not backing down!

When we moved to the triage room things had definitely calmed. Problem is I was feeling a little shaken up. I changed into the hospital gown, let myself cry for 30 seconds in the bathroom, and then I looked in the mirror and told myself to stay strong and take care of my baby girl. True story. And it worked. Then the doctor came in. She was much calmer and actually very kind. I think she was just feeling stressed earlier and without meaning to, took it out on us. She was able to explain why she wanted to do a speculum and give us the pros and cons. She let us have time to make the decision and let it sink in. (I truly have no ill feelings for her. She was really very kind and I think the stress of a busy day and the miscommunication had a lot of people stressed out.) We had originally been under the impression that she wanted to do a vaginal exam. My thought was, No Way! I did not think it was a good idea to do that and possibly put me in to labor. There is a reason my doctors hadn't done it. She was able to explain that they wouldn't even touch the cervix. They would only be looking at it to check for dilation and thinning. They would also check for the presence of amniotic fluid (It was all I could do to not lose it when they questioned whether my water broke. Seriously!) to make sure my water had really broken. 

I told them it would probably come back negative on the amniotic fluid because I hadn't leaked since first thing that morning. I was right. Negative. Meaning that every conversation thereafter had phrases like, "Well if your water did break...", "If you are really leaking amniotic fluid..." I do understand where they're coming from. They have their checklist and they need every little thing checked off so they can be certain. It is just soooo frustrating feeling like we were starting at the beginning again. Every doctor I've seen while I've been here has had me retell the entire story of what has been going on with this pregnancy. I expected it somewhat since I chose a hospital that my OB and Perinatologist don't go to, but it's been harder than I thought. The good news was that my cerix wasn't dilated or effaced.

Today I felt leaking, so I had them do the speculum again. Guess what? It was positive! Shocker! Not really, in case you couldn't read the sarcasm in that. I'm just glad they have it checked off of their list so we can move on. All of the doctors, residents, and nurses have been so great. It just feels so nice to not be doubted anymore. :) It takes stress off of me. 

Wow, long story. Anyway... I finally feel settled in. It seems that we've gotten all of the initial checks and such finished. And I appreciate the care we've gotten here. I feel very well taken care of. I get to meet with the dietician tomorrow and put in my requests for special food & tell her my likes and dislikes. She even makes smoothies every day for you. See, there are things to look forward to. Oh, and they're tracking me down a mini fridge and getting me some contraption to make my bed more comfy. Best news of all... I was told to order extra bacon, as much as I want! They know how to make this girl happy. ;)

Thank you for all of your prayers, support, and service. I'm grateful to have each one of you as a friend.

Love,

Ella

PS - Last week we were watching some home videos. In one of them I was walking around. Avella turned to me and asked excitedly, "Mommy, you better?! You can get up?" It broke my heart. I worry that all of our kids will think that being pregnant means that you can't do anything. :(

PPS - Are you thinking you may want to come visit me, but you're not sure you want to make the drive? Well, stay tuned for exciting incentives! Ryan and I have been coming up with a plan to make it worth your while! :)

Emotions

Worn out
Grateful
Excited
Worried
Emotional
Sad
Happy
Peace
Stressed
Calm
Contemplative
Unsure
Depressed
Prayerful
Humble
Loved
Determined
Strong
Weak
Vulnerable
Loving
Steady


Those would be the words to describe how I'm feeling. I think it's interesting that we go through experiences that we feel such a range of emotions, and so many of them are opposites of another. It's impossible to go through such impactful things in our lives and just feel or think one way about it. I believe that is part of personal growth. I can express sadness and let myself feel it, process it and then choose how I will react to the situation and how I will move forward. And it is ok to feel sad or depressed. We are human after all. Overall I feel peace and determination. But all it takes is one day of crying and feeling vulnerable to completely exhaust me. Emotions can take such a toll physically.

Thank you for your empathy during this time of roller coaster emotions. I feel safe to be honest in what I'm feeling and thinking. I may not put everything I'm feeling and thinking here on this blog, but  I'm grateful for the moments when I'm able to share with a friend or family member in the moment I need to and they are able to listen with no judgements and just love me. Those moments help carry me through the tough days.

I'm sure if you're reading this you're thinking, ok tell me something I don't know. :) I'm finding it's helpful for me to type this and then read it and tell myself that it will be ok. I will be ok.

Love,
Ella

22 Weeks 3 Days

I don't know about you, but twenty two and a half weeks feels like a BIG accomplishment! Only eleven and a half more to go. One week until I meet with my Perinatologist, and one and a half weeks before I get checked into the hospital.

I have had a lot of people ask how I'm feeling and I thought I would answer that here. I'm in pain about 80% of the time. (I want to say 95%, but that would be exaggerating. :) When you don't have a lot of amniotic fluid there isn't a 'cushion' between the baby and everything else. I know during previous pregnancies it has been painful when the baby has pushed against my placenta. Without the amniotic fluid there to be a buffer it is even worse. When she decides to stretch herself out there is pain everywhere. I worry about it getting worse as she gets bigger!

With my placenta leaking blood and it pooling at the top of my cervix it creates this weird pressure that actually feels better once the blood has passed. I'm not glad when I am leaking fluid or blood, but when the pressure is finally released I'm very grateful. Then there is the pain of cramping/contractions that come with or without the leaking.

Of course there are all of the discomforts that come with bed rest. What? Isn't it awesome laying in bed all day, you ask. No. No it is not. I keep telling Ryan everyone should have to go on bed rest for two weeks. The first day, or even two, can be quite nice. It's all downhill from there. Not even being able to get up to get yourself a drink of water is frustrating. It's hard depending on everyone around you for everything you need. There is usually one day a week that the pain is so bad that I am not able to shower. Once Trevan had to bring me my toothbrush so I could brush my teeth in bed. Gross. And slightly embarrassing.

What are the discomforts of bed rest? BO. Seriously, I stink some days (even within hours of showering)! When you're in bed, or on the couch, all day you get stinky. You should try it. Another thing that can happen is pulling muscles. When they are rarely used they can get pulled easily when you do use them. Last but not least is constipation (or as my sister would call it when she was little "frozen"). I have to take Metamucil and stool softeners regularly (regularly... ha ha). One morning I woke up to Trevan bringing me a full bottle of water and my stool softeners 'in case I need them'. Let's just say the kids are very familiar with all of this by now. *Side note - Ethan was peeling an orange yesterday and Trevan told him he was opening the uterus to get the baby orange out. Yep, my kids are becoming a little too familiar with all of this.

Even though I'm uncomfortable most of the time or in pain I still think it's worth it to have my beautiful baby girl. It definitely hasn't been the pregnancy I hoped for or was expecting, but I'm grateful I'm able to bring this baby into our family. She is loved already.

I will end with the things that I currently enjoy:

Shower-baths - I'm not supposed to take baths with my water being broken, so I lay in the tub and turn on the shower and pretend I'm taking a bath. The shower steams up the bathroom like a sauna. It's actually quite relaxing

The greatest friends and family a girl could ever ask for. I have had people help clean my house, watch my kids, come visit me, bring my family meals, and help me gain perspective. I am grateful for each one of them.

Everything digital - I have read books, watched TV shows, and shopped & played online. Thank you technology.

And finally the best... My family - My boys fill up my water bottle countless times a day, usually without being asked. They bring me treats and surprises they think I would like. They surprise me by cleaning up the house without being asked. Avella will constantly bring toys to me so we can play together or color together. She's constantly asking me if I need her to bring me my medicine. She loves to talk to baby Hazel (she pronounces it "Pazel"). And best of all is Ryan. I'm grateful to have a husband who is kind and generous. He serves me daily and doesn't complain. He works all day, sometimes at home where he helps with kids on his breaks, and then comes home and takes care of me, the children, and our home. He rarely has free time but doesn't complain. He is such a giving, compassionate, and empathetic person. Basically he rocks! I do realize how blessed I am to have him by my side for eternity.

Love,
Ella