This photo was about a week and a half before I had Hazel. I definitely gained weight in the hospital!
March 4, 2014
6:00 am - I woke up with pain in my lower abdomen. The pain was typical for this pregnancy, but it was weird that I had it in the morning. Usually I felt good when I woke up. I thought I needed to use the restroom, but it didn't help.
7:00 am - I realized the pain was now across my entire stomach and that it was actually contractions. I timed them and I had three in five minutes. I called my nurse and she decided to get the portable monitor to track what was happening.
7:20 am - They hooked me up to the monitors. It wasn't really showing anything. I was definitely feeling it though! I called Ryan and told him what was happening and that he should come to the hospital. He asked if I was sure... Um, yeah. He then took his sweet time showering and getting ready for the day before he headed down. He did feel bad later that he hadn't rushed more, but he thought maybe it was like the last couple of times this happened. Don't worry, I wasn't upset at him at all. How was he supposed to know this was it? I just have to give him a hard time. ;)
7:40 am - I realized the monitor that was supposed to pick up the contractions wasn't even on my uterus. Because of the lack of amniotic fluid my uterus was lopsided and mostly on my right side. I moved the monitor and it started showing my contractions.
7:45 am - I called for my nurse because labor was getting very intense and I knew something was happening. Because I had a vertical incision on my uterus when I had my cesarean with Avella I was required to have another cesarean. I was not supposed to labor.
8:00 am - My nurse and CNA came in with a wheelchair to take me down to my daily NST. I was so surprised and told them there was no way I would be able to even get in the wheelchair (my contractions being only a couple of minutes apart and getting more intense each time). If I was a swearing woman that would have been an appropriate moment. ;) They were surprised when I told them that. I had a brand new nurse that day and I don't think she realized that I was in labor and I was just handling it well because I have a high pain tolerance.
Keep in mind this was all happening during the nurses change of shift. Worst possible timing ever! The nurse from the night shift is trying to pass along all of the patient info for each patient to the day nurse. They are typically a little slower to respond to patients just because they're busy. I'm not upset by this, it's just the way it is.
At this point they called down to labor and delivery and my doctor. They realized they would have to take me down in my bed because there was no way I was walking or riding in a wheelchair. Thank goodness for my previous Bradley child birthing classes that helped me to stay calm, breathe, and focus.
8:10 am - I get down to labor and delivery and as they're wheeling me through the hallway my doctor is walking up to us. He takes one look at me and says "This is it." They got me into a room and I can't remember what they were even doing at this point. My sweet night nurse Launa walked down with me and held my hand and made sure I was OK. The pain was so intense I didn't know how much more I could handle. All I could do was focus on me. I was able to text Ryan in between contractions at one point to tell him I was in labor and delivery and that this was it. I do remember the anesthesiologist coming in to talk to me and get things going.
8:20 am - They wheeled me into the Operating Room and prepped everything. The prep seemed to take forever! I can't even begin to describe the pain I was in. Mind you I've done natural childbirth (With Pitocin! Horrible stuff.), but I didn't think I could handle one more second of this. The anesthesiologist had me roll on my side between contractions (I had not been able to lay on my side for months. It was incredibly painful if I tried.) and I just cried. The nurse was kind and put a rolled up blanket to try and help alleviate the pain. I got the spinal block and was able to roll back over. It was nice not to feel the pain of contractions once it kicked in, but it was so uncomfortable to be laying on a hard flat table for so long and not be able to move. He then gave me two more IVs and told me how I had to hold my arms out to the side and not move them. Again, so uncomfortable!
8:40 am - I see a man walk in that had on a head cover and a white gown. The anesthesiologist told him to come sit up by my head. I figured he was a student, and frankly I didn't care at that point. It was only once he sat down by my head and grabbed my hand and said hello that I realized it was Ryan. I was glad he was there in time for the surgery.
8:56 am - Hazel is born!
9:00 am - Being stitched up was horrible. They shoved so hard on all of my insides that it pushed on my stomach and made me dry heave and it pushed on my lungs which made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I have no idea if this is normal. Probably. It took twice as long to stitch me up than a normal cesarean (explained below). I remember at one point asking how much longer. They told me ten more minutes and I cried. No joke.
The plan with this cesarean was to do a horizontal incision on my uterus this time if possible. A vertical incision has a more painful recovery because the top of the uterus is more muscle. Well, he was able to do a horizontal incision, but when he did it my previous vertical incision ripped open. The reason the pain was so incredible during my contractions was because with each contraction it was slowly tearing my old incision open. Basically my entire uterus was filleted open. Yuck. Later, in recovery, the nurse drew a picture for us of what it looked like when it ripped open. Kind of crazy. And gross.
The next day when my doctor came to talk to me he looked very concerned. He very carefully told me that I should never ever get pregnant again. He said he could count on one hand the number of people he has told that to and that he was very concerned about what happened. Even if my next pregnancy was completely normal (ha!) I could be at home and have my uterus burst open and I would die. Wow. So, there you have it. I can't ever get pregnant again. When he told us that (thank goodness Ryan was with me) I felt peace about it. It's hard to have someone else tell you that you can't ever be pregnant again and to not have a say in the matter. Even though I feel peace that it is what is right I have still shed tears and had to grieve the 'normal' pregnancy that I didn't get with Hazel and the inability to ever have that experience again. I usually love being pregnant so it was hard to not be able to enjoy Hazel's pregnancy like I wanted to. Even feeling her move inside of me (which is normally my favorite part) was so painful that it was really hard to enjoy it. It may sound weird to grieve over something like this, but I hope you can understand.
Now I'm going to ask something from all of you. Please don't tell me:
"At least you have four kids."
"At least Hazel is doing well."
"Just be grateful for what you have."
"At least you can have children."
I do acknowledge all of the blessings I have and I'm grateful that I could have children and that I have four beautiful children. I have been so blessed. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to be sad and grieve though.
Also, please don't ask what methods we are going to use to prevent me getting pregnant again. Please don't give opinions on what we should do. If we want advice we'll ask for it. This entire experience is very personal. If/when we want to talk about it we will. :)
We think my bowels shut down the next week because of everything that happened during surgery. Apparently the bowels do not like to be moved or touched. It's a possibility that they were disturbed somewhere in the process. That week after I had Hazel I didn't want to eat a lot of the time and I had a pain on my right side that we couldn't figure out. The night I had her I got a fever and the chills and was put on antibiotics. They weren't sure exactly what was wrong. They thought maybe it was a uterine infection. Then on Friday night I got a fever again and I got the chills so bad that my whole body was shaking for hours. All of the shaking made my uterus hurt so much more - that's how strong the shaking was. This time they sent my blood out for the 72 hour cultures, they checked my uterus, and did everything they could think of and they could not figure it out. They talked about keeping me longer, but on Saturday I seemed better so they sent me home. Very late at night I might add. I hate weekends at the hospital. Everything seems out of sync. We checked in on a weekend and didn't have a great experience and we checked out on a weekend and it was about the same.
I think that covers everything.
Love,
Ella
