38 Weeks 1 Day, 7 Weeks 5 Days Old

I can't believe how close it's getting to my original due date. And it's great to see how much progress Hazel is making. This has been a big week for her and me!

I've been able to breastfeed her each day and she got a bottle today too. She nursed today for 23 minutes. Way to go, Hazel! The orders are that she can be fed twice per shift. If she nurses for at least ten minutes they count that as a full feed. Sometimes while feeding we have to turn her oxygen up, but we didn't have to today even though her flow was lowered down to 1.

The hardest thing for her is that she gets worn out quickly. She is still very anemic so she gets sleepy and worn out easily. Her body has finally started to make more red blood cells, but it will take months for her levels to be where they should.

You know what is great? When Hazel's nurse told me to get ready for her to come home! She is doing so well and progressing quickly with her feeds. Once she is able to do all of her feeds by bottle or breast then she can come home! Can you believe it, friends? I know it will still be weeks, but it's so good to hear. 

I've been feeling great this week. It's almost weird to feel so normal. I've been driving, doing laundry and dishes, cleaning, and organizing. It feels good to be back!

This is a few days worth of milk. Hazel eats just more than one of the large containers a day. The good news is I'm going to donate my milk this go round. I tried to with Avella, but she was older and they need the milk to be from when the child is younger. 

She's so pretty. :) 

Avella tells me almost daily that she wants to fly. 

I love Daddy Daughter pictures. They make my heart happy.

Love,

Ella

37 Weeks 3 Days, 7 Weeks Old

I keep trying to get a picture of her smiling. I caught the tail end of it here.

When she tries to open her eyes she'll stretch her eyebrows up really high to help her.

She did this after she was given a little bit of milk the other day. Apparently it wore her out.

Perfect, tiny, little hands.

We were able to do a non-nutritive feed today! She latched on immediately. Kinda funny since I wasn't prepared for it. She nursed for 15+ minutes. The therapist couldn't believe how well she did. Now we get to do two actual feeds a day. Those are two HUGE days right in a row. She got moved down to a 1.5 on her oxygen flow today too. Really crazy that she did so well nursing, considering. The top picture here is her passed out right after nursing. The second is her after her bath. We were going to try nursing again, but she was pooped!

I got a stomach bug over the weekend and didn't get to see her for four days in a row. The good news is now that I'm feeling better my stomach feels like it's back to normal. I had been having issues with it ever since I had Illeus. So, I guess I'm grateful I got a stomach bug and it all worked out? I am also off of all of my meds. That means I got to drive myself to the hospital today! It's funny to see how Hazel and I make progress together. When I was driving the kids to my friend's house today Avella said, "You're driving, Mom?" I told her yes and she replied, "By yourself?!" 

While my friend Lindsay watched her today Avella had a poopy diaper. When Lindsay asked her if she could change her diaper Avella said, "You can give me chocolate." Ha ha. Never a dull moment with that girl. My friend Wendy came over to stay with the kids the morning I went to the emergency room. When Wendy went to get Avella dressed Avella kept telling her, "No, that doesn't match." Then she picked an outfit out herself that Wendy said did in fact match. :)

Love,

Ella

36 Weeks 4 Days, 6 Weeks 1 Day

Still such a cutie.

I love seeing her eyes open.

Hazel's first bath!

In the hospital they do 'swaddle baths'. She loved it! The wrap she is in is fleece which keeps her warm during the bath. She was happy and relaxed the entire time.

Cindy is one of Hazel's primary care nurses. We love her!

It's funny how having a baby in the NICU makes normal things like a bath seem so difficult. She's so tiny still and having all of the tubes and wires doesn't make it easy. It felt like it was the first time I had bathed a baby. I always want to make sure she's comfortable. When she was first born changing her diapers was a big deal. It was hard to do knowing that every time I moved her it caused her discomfort and pain. I'm glad she's not as sensitive anymore and her nerves are more developed.

 She is fascinated with her mobile. It's pretty amazing that as young as she is she enjoys watching it. Her therapists were worried it would be over stimulating, but she loves it.

Did you watch the eclipse? We got the kids up at 2 am to see it. They came outside, saw it, and went right back inside. Trevan was so quick he isn't in the picture. 

My pumping stuff for one day. I can't wait to be done with all of it. Pumping is so much harder than nursing - plugged ducts, bleeding, more plugged ducts (which make me feel nauseous, kinda weird), worrying about my milk supply, yada yada. 

She is always, always, awake for Dad.

 We went through the coolest car wash as our activity for FHE on our way back from the hospital. 

It felt like a space tunnel. Don't worry, we vacuumed too so it counts as an activity. 

We've had to get creative. :)

 

So much cute cheek chub!

• She is still on the High Flow machine. Her flow is at a 2.5.
• Her therapists are still working with her on increasing her mobility in her arms, feet, and neck. She tips her head to the right instead of holding it straight and prefers to have it turned to the left. I met with them today to learn how I can work with her and what I need to do once she is home. It was very interesting and I'm excited to know what I can be doing.
• She is getting close to being ready to nurse. I was hoping we could start this week, but I think it will be next week.
• She has officially hit six weeks and gained two pounds! She weighs 5 lbs 4 oz. Little chunker. ;) I swear it all goes to her cheeks though.

 

She's doing great overall. It's nice to hear her nurses tell me how wonderful she is doing. We realize that she truly is a miracle baby. It's easy to say she's a miracle, but when you really think back on everything she's gone through you realize just how many miracles we've been blessed with and continue to be blessed with. We know that not everyone is blessed in the same way, but we also know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us. We may not understand why and it may not seem fair, but He loves us each unconditionally. We all have trials of faith and have opportunities to trust in Him. I am grateful for the growth and increased faith that my trials have blessed me with.

Love,

Ella

35 Weeks 4 Days

I know I've put some updates on facebook, but since not everyone is on facebook I might end up repeating some things. Here's the latest...

Happy one month birthday on April 4th! She had gained exactly one pound on her one month birthday. Good girl. She weighs 4 lbs 10 oz now. She also had her eye exam and her eyes are fully developed which means they were able to move her oxygen parameters up. If preemie's oxygen levels are too high when they are first born, before their eyes are fully developed, it can cause blindness.

April 2nd the NICU called me just before midnight to tell me Hazel had reflux and aspirated milk into her lungs. They did an X-Ray and called me back in an hour. Her lungs looked OK. They also did a viral panel to make sure it was her aspirating and not a virus - it came back negative. Because of all of that she had to go back on the CPAP machine at a level 7 (She had been on the High Flow at a 4.5), so it was quite a step back. She was down to a 5 on the CPAP by the next day. She got moved back down to the High Flow machine earlier this week and is currently at a 3.5.  

Her hematocrit is still low, its at 25. They aren't going to give her another blood transfusion. She had one her first week of life. When you get a transfusion it stops your body's natural response to produce more blood if you're low. They are giving her body time to let her body start making more on it's own. It should start going up by next week.

Hopefully we can start doing the non-nutritive feeds next week. She needs to be breathing and eating to be able to get home so I'm anxious for progress. Her nurse thinks we will be able to start next week.

My Mom went home on Saturday because her Mom isn't doing well. I'm glad she can be with her Mom, but I miss my Mommy! It was so hard to say goodbye. There have been a lot of emotions since she's gone home... All of them sad. 

Snuggle time with Grandma and Aunt Shannon.

She always has to have a hand up.

Holding Grandma's hand on the way to the airport.

Avella has to help with everything, and I mean everything. How great is my Mom to weed my garden in time for Spring on top of taking care of my kids, doing home school with them, doing dishes and laundry, etc.

Sometimes when Hazel gets really hungry when it's feeding time I'll give her a sponge dipped in milk. She sucks it dry. Hopefully it's a sign that nursing will go well.

I love her wrinkly forehead.

She's looking more grown up. 

I love this picture of Daddy daughter time.

I made her a pearl bracelet. It goes halfway down her arm... or fits on Ryan's pinkie. Ryan has finally been able to realize his dream of becoming a hand model. Check that off of your bucket list, hon. ;)

Grandma made her a baby doll to keep in her crib. This nasal cannula is the one that's used with the High Flow. The picture above, that shows her bracelet is the one they were using when she was on CPAP. The High Flow one is more comfortable for her.


Love,
Ella

 

Our Birth Story

Now that Hazel is almost a month old I think I'm finally ready to share our birth story. The timeline closer to delivery is an estimate, I was kind of hazy on the exact times when the pain got more intense.


This photo was about a week and a half before I had Hazel. I definitely gained weight in the hospital!

March 4, 2014

6:00 am - I woke up with pain in my lower abdomen. The pain was typical for this pregnancy, but it was weird that I had it in the morning. Usually I felt good when I woke up. I thought I needed to use the restroom, but it didn't help.

7:00 am - I realized the pain was now across my entire stomach and that it was actually contractions. I timed them and I had three in five minutes. I called my nurse and she decided to get the portable monitor to track what was happening.

7:20 am - They hooked me up to the monitors. It wasn't really showing anything. I was definitely feeling it though! I called Ryan and told him what was happening and that he should come to the hospital. He asked if I was sure... Um, yeah. He then took his sweet time showering and getting ready for the day before he headed down. He did feel bad later that he hadn't rushed more, but he thought maybe it was like the last couple of times this happened. Don't worry, I wasn't upset at him at all. How was he supposed to know this was it? I just have to give him a hard time. ;)

7:40 am - I realized the monitor that was supposed to pick up the contractions wasn't even on my uterus. Because of the lack of amniotic fluid my uterus was lopsided and mostly on my right side. I moved the monitor and it started showing my contractions.

7:45 am - I called for my nurse because labor was getting very intense and I knew something was happening. Because I had a vertical incision on my uterus when I had my cesarean with Avella I was required to have another cesarean. I was not supposed to labor.

8:00 am - My nurse and CNA came in with a wheelchair to take me down to my daily NST. I was so surprised and told them there was no way I would be able to even get in the wheelchair (my contractions being only a couple of minutes apart and getting more intense each time). If I was a swearing woman that would have been an appropriate moment. ;) They were surprised when I told them that. I had a brand new nurse that day and I don't think she realized that I was in labor and I was just handling it well because I have a high pain tolerance.

Keep in mind this was all happening during the nurses change of shift. Worst possible timing ever! The nurse from the night shift is trying to pass along all of the patient info for each patient to the day nurse. They are typically a little slower to respond to patients just because they're busy. I'm not upset by this, it's just the way it is.

At this point they called down to labor and delivery and my doctor. They realized they would have to take me down in my bed because there was no way I was walking or riding in a wheelchair. Thank goodness for my previous Bradley child birthing classes that helped me to stay calm, breathe, and focus.

8:10 am - I get down to labor and delivery and as they're wheeling me through the hallway my doctor is walking up to us. He takes one look at me and says "This is it." They got me into a room and I can't remember what they were even doing at this point. My sweet night nurse Launa walked down with me and held my hand and made sure I was OK. The pain was so intense I didn't know how much more I could handle. All I could do was focus on me. I was able to text Ryan in between contractions at one point to tell him I was in labor and delivery and that this was it. I do remember the anesthesiologist coming in to talk to me and get things going.

8:20 am - They wheeled me into the Operating Room and prepped everything. The prep seemed to take forever! I can't even begin to describe the pain I was in. Mind you I've done natural childbirth (With Pitocin! Horrible stuff.), but I didn't think I could handle one more second of this. The anesthesiologist had me roll on my side between contractions (I had not been able to lay on my side for months. It was incredibly painful if I tried.) and I just cried. The nurse was kind and put a rolled up blanket to try and help alleviate the pain. I got the spinal block and was able to roll back over. It was nice not to feel the pain of contractions once it kicked in, but it was so uncomfortable to be laying on a hard flat table for so long and not be able to move. He then gave me two more IVs and told me how I had to hold my arms out to the side and not move them. Again, so uncomfortable!

8:40 am - I see a man walk in that had on a head cover and a white gown. The anesthesiologist told him to come sit up by my head. I figured he was a student, and frankly I didn't care at that point. It was only once he sat down by my head and grabbed my hand and said hello that I realized it was Ryan. I was glad he was there in time for the surgery.

8:56 am - Hazel is born!

9:00 am - Being stitched up was horrible. They shoved so hard on all of my insides that it pushed on my stomach and made me dry heave and it pushed on my lungs which made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I have no idea if this is normal. Probably. It took twice as long to stitch me up than a normal cesarean (explained below). I remember at one point asking how much longer. They told me ten more minutes and I cried. No joke.

The plan with this cesarean was to do a horizontal incision on my uterus this time if possible. A vertical incision has a more painful recovery because the top of the uterus is more muscle. Well, he was able to do a horizontal incision, but when he did it my previous vertical incision ripped open. The reason the pain was so incredible during my contractions was because with each contraction it was slowly tearing my old incision open. Basically my entire uterus was filleted open. Yuck. Later, in recovery, the nurse drew a picture for us of what it looked like when it ripped open. Kind of crazy. And gross.

The next day when my doctor came to talk to me he looked very concerned. He very carefully told me that I should never ever get pregnant again. He said he could count on one hand the number of people he has told that to and that he was very concerned about what happened. Even if my next pregnancy was completely normal (ha!) I could be at home and have my uterus burst open and I would die. Wow. So, there you have it. I can't ever get pregnant again. When he told us that (thank goodness Ryan was with me) I felt peace about it. It's hard to have someone else tell you that you can't ever be pregnant again and to not have a say in the matter. Even though I feel peace that it is what is right I have still shed tears and had to grieve the 'normal' pregnancy that I didn't get with Hazel and the inability to ever have that experience again. I usually love being pregnant so it was hard to not be able to enjoy Hazel's pregnancy like I wanted to. Even feeling her move inside of me (which is normally my favorite part) was so painful that it was really hard to enjoy it. It may sound weird to grieve over something like this, but I hope you can understand.

Now I'm going to ask something from all of you. Please don't tell me:

"At least you have four kids."
"At least Hazel is doing well."
"Just be grateful for what you have."
"At least you can have children."

I do acknowledge all of the blessings I have and I'm grateful that I could have children and that I have four beautiful children. I have been so blessed. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to be sad and grieve though.

Also, please don't ask what methods we are going to use to prevent me getting pregnant again. Please don't give opinions on what we should do. If we want advice we'll ask for it. This entire experience is very personal. If/when we want to talk about it we will. :)

We think my bowels shut down the next week because of everything that happened during surgery. Apparently the bowels do not like to be moved or touched. It's a possibility that they were disturbed somewhere in the process. That week after I had Hazel I didn't want to eat a lot of the time and I had a pain on my right side that we couldn't figure out. The night I had her I got a fever and the chills and was put on antibiotics. They weren't sure exactly what was wrong. They thought maybe it was a uterine infection. Then on Friday night I got a fever again and I got the chills so bad that my whole body was shaking for hours. All of the shaking made my uterus hurt so much more - that's how strong the shaking was. This time they sent my blood out for the 72 hour cultures, they checked my uterus, and did everything they could think of and they could not figure it out. They talked about keeping me longer, but on Saturday I seemed better so they sent me home. Very late at night I might add. I hate weekends at the hospital. Everything seems out of sync. We checked in on a weekend and didn't have a great experience and we checked out on a weekend and it was about the same.

I think that covers everything.

Love,
Ella